Whoo what a WEEK, that was, I know it's my hormones trippin for sure now, soon as I get off my shit, that shit just disappear with the quickness, LMAO!!! I need to see a doctor about that, i was really trippin...smdh, I need some white people happy medicine, lmao!

I BELEIVE LOVE IS...

I believe Love is the strongest emotion because it controls every single thing we do in life. It's effect on our other emotions can be extremely good or bad. Without Love there is no hate! Could it be that the world is trying to concentrate on the other facts of life to eliminate the most powerful force on earth? LOVE.

Sincere by Foreign Exchange

I just thought I would share this video, it kinda describes exactly how I'm feeling at the moment

HOUSE OF CARDS by The Foreign Exchange

The Extra Puzzle Piece

Have you ever felt like you just don't belong? Like no matter where you go, who you're with,you just don't fit in anywhere.

Lately I've been really down, I'm currently unemployed, and desperately looking for a job that I'll be happy with. The last job I had it got to the point where I would go to work and got literally sick to my stomach when i reached in front of the building. I purposely didn't go to work one day, and when I went back the next day, i picked up my check and cleaned off my desk and bounced! It felt like a heavy elephant rolling of my back as I strolled down the hall and out the building. To think about it i think I skipped out the building, lol. But anyway, I'm having a really tough time! I live with my much older sister who is a workaholic and in my opinion a control freak. I love her dearly but the "bitch" needs to hit a joint every once in awhile, she'd be a better person to be around.

I moved to Maryland once I finished school in North Carolina, I was living with my daughter's father at the time, and things where really rocky between us. My sister offered me a good paying job at her school and I accepted it and moved here about 3 years ago. It was exciting at first, then reality set in. I love my sister but sometimes I want to tell her about herself, but I keep my mouth closed, this is her house, and my grandmother taught me better. Well the school I was working in when I first moved here my employment there lasted 6 months, I wasn't used to teaching, had my degree is something totally not in education and one day I blanked out and had to quit.

I started working with a small insurance agency helping the owner and her daughter out, I liked it at first, after about two months I got my license, and without any formal training from day one began to teach myself the rules and procedures of this very small unorganized (in my opinion) agency. I was never a salesperson and was really not hired to "sell" anything, but with acquiring my license it became a part of my job description. I HATED begging people for their money,it's either they want the damn insurance or they don't! I am not the type of person to beg anyone for money, i'd rather go without it! So after a year I walked out. I've been looking for other employment ever since, that was six months ago. I have no real source of income, i live in this house with my sister who pays all the bills, and help me out if need be, and not to mention I have a four year old child who is in school. OMG, the past 5 moths have been HELL! Looking for a job, going to an interview not to be called back, it's so frustrating!

My sister's boyfriend has his own IT business which I was helping with for awhile, he can't or won't pay me the way I need to be paid. I have my degree, I am in graduate school, an hourly wage is not going to do anything for me but keep me in this house longer than I want to be! I wouldn't mind working for him at all, but I have a child, I need medical, dental, and life insurance benefits, which he has yet to offer, so, that ain't gon' work!

Well the point of this post is to say I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, i was in NC, I wasn't feeling that, i'm in MD, it's ok, but I want to get the heck away from this crazy lady who loves and it seems to live to control people's lives! Where do I belong? Am I supposed to stay here, move back to New York? I have no idea where and what I'm supposed to be doing?

I have this amazing talent and passion to do graphic design, but nobody is willing to sit down with me and help me. I need some type of training, especially with technique, the software i can play with and navigate on my own. I'm a very visual learner, a book ain't gon do it for me. That's why i was always so bored in school and hated going to class, IT WAS DREADFULLY BORING!!! I need some HELP!!! Anyway, this is what i love to do, here are some samples of my work:

 

My logo for LoudMouf Inkz

 

Business card I did for my sister

 

2 page magazine spread (never used)

 

1 page advertisement (never used)

poster for Khaliya's school

Ready for Love?

  When love finds you, will you be ready???

Will you be ready for the honesty, the truthfulness that you so long for?
Will you accept all the good and happiness it has in store for you?
Will you be able to accept that it's real, and it's all for you?
Will you nurture it, and show that you appreciate it's existence?
Will you love Love, and realize you've been training all your life for this task?
Will you show love that you are willing and able to love it back as hard as it's loving you?
Will love be able to tell that what it's doing for you is being appreciated, and will love want to love you more?
Do we love Love, or the person that is giving the love?
If you've found love, can everyone else tell, because if not, and no one recognizes it as LOVE, is it really love you're sharing with that person?
What will you do if you do find Love, shout it to the rooftops, keep it to yourself?
Love, I'm here, I'm waiting, I'm willing and worthy of all you have in store for me?
Will the one I long to love, Love me?
Speak now or forever hold your peace!

A HEART MADE OF GLASS

I hate when men tell you they love you and they act like they hate you! What's the point of getting into a relationship if you're not willing to go all the way. Being with someone, spending time with them is very serious especially to females. We live by different rules, different views on life. I guess that's where the trouble lies.

I can give my heart to a person with no thought of them wanting to break it.

I'm hurting so bad right now, I'm lost, I'm sad, I've been neglected, misused, forgotten, ignored, and have had my heart stepped on one too many times! About a year or so ago I was at my wits end with my daughter's dad. I felt disrespected by his friends who didn't even know me, and who were so immature they didnt care to know me, or even take into consideration my feelings, and neither did he! I still love him! I feel like I don't even have a choice in the matter because i look at this beautiful child of ours and start to remember those days we were so consumed with each other even in just being there in each others presence. It hurts!

So to cure my hurt, I start talking to this dude I knew in H.S. Shit went good, he talked to me, made me feel IMPORTANT. He came to visit me from NY, when i was up there I would go see him, we really hit it off. It was a temporary fix to my problem. The love I had for my daughter's dad is still there, not even one ounce of it is gone. WHY? Why do I have to suffer as he goes on with his life! He has a girlfriend now, and also many many other female friends. Why do i continue to love this man who doesn't even see me, doesn't even notice that I'm loving him? I told the other guy I needed time to deal with my feelings, and he has some past issues he needs to deal with too. So lately I've been pretty much to myself. If he calls I tell him I'm not in the mood to talk.

My daughter's father came to visit for the weekend...it was her birthday! It was strange, like nothing changed but our conversation. The feeling was still there, or was it just me? We had general conversation. I wanted to talk to him so bad about "us" but everything else seemed to be telling me not to, like the fact that he's accumulated all these girls in his life, and he's in a relationship with someone else.

Today I find out he's considering moving to another state. That doesn't help my situation at all! I'm in panic mode! I text him to confirm it, he said he's thinking about it. "Is ------ going to move with you" I ask, he says "I don't thinkso..". What does that mean, either she is or she isn't! I just don't know what to do anymore. I had a brief text conversation with his sister, and I started thinking about all we went through, all the bad feelings started to surface again, I started to remeber why I left him, why we broke up. I don't want to go throught any of that again. However i'm still stuck with these feelings and I can't stop crying! i don't know if I'mbeing punished for some past trangresion but this shit sucks! I just need time to myself, i don't need to have anyone inmy life until i can deal with these feelings. How am I to deal with them if I dont know if his heart is still with me?